A grandmother’s memories

How many years has it been since your passing?

When I was young, I was quite charming, you know.

Even though I’ve thrown the lives of many young men into disarray, I am but a wrinkled old woman now.

Hmm? You don’t believe me?

Hehe, I’ll leave my life before meeting you up to your imagination.

But no matter how much the other men tried to persuade me, I wouldn’t have changed my mind.

I don’t regret marrying you, not a single bit.

But it’s not easy raising Kayano as a single mother.

She was such a sickly girl; the doctors told me she wouldn’t even live to adulthood.

What phony docs, aren’t they?

When I heard that, I thought my heart would stop…

But maybe Buddha was watching over me and gave me his blessings.

No, it must’ve been you, telling me to not join you yet and chasing me away from the afterlife time and time again.

I never thought she would grow up, get married to the man of her dreams and give birth to an adorable granddaughter.

I wonder how I would’ve felt if I knew this back then.

The Hassho family - my family - and the Iwanaga family had a complicated relationship ever since the period of haibutsu-kishaku.

Back in my days, a union between the two families was strictly forbidden.

No matter how obviously in love the two individuals were.

I also strongly objected to her marriage.

I made it seem like I was worried about her, but perhaps my objection was born out of selfish desires.

She was the world to me.

It’s true that there was bad blood between the two families.

But even if that didn’t exist, I still would’ve hated the idea.

The idea of her leaving me.

And not in the sense of physical distance. He lived close by, so it’s not like I couldn’t just go and see her whenever I wanted to.

I think I just wasn’t very good at letting my child go free.

And when she wanted to give birth to Himeko, I also objected fiercely.

We got into a huge argument about it, but in the end, she didn’t budge a single bit.

That’s when I realized the small girl that I put effort into raising turned into a strong woman with her own convictions.

Both of us were stubborn till the end, and we parted without seeing eye to eye.

There are eight sufferings that one must go through in life, but I find myself imprisoned by the parting from loved ones even now.

This was never a world where all your wishes come true.

The more you wish for, the more you find yourself entangled in worldly troubles, further distancing yourself from nirvana.

Perhaps one can lessen their own suffering if they never knew love, but I do not think that one who hasn’t suffered love can learn compassion.

Teachings of the middle way are truly admirable, but quite difficult to put into practice.

Our two families still had bad blood between them, but a certain incident led to our relationship gradually changing.

Bewildered by her first period, she came crying to me for help one morning.

She had grown into a doll-like girl, her face barely reminiscent of my own daughter - and when I held her in my arms, I felt something in me…just let go.

Apparently her dinner that night was heaping servings of red bean rice.

He’s not a bad person by any means, but he was always a bit…insensitive.

Or shall we say, a bit ignorant of the sensitivities of a growing girl…you know?

Ever since then, I’ve kept in contact with her, and nobody spoke out against it.

There’s still a lot of unresolved issues between our families, but I think we’ve all come to realize that we can’t let it go on like this.

“Then why don’t you take the initiative?”, I imagine you’d say something like that.

You’re right. If, for example, Hime-chan were to have a child…I’d rush over without a second thought if I had concerns about her partner or her health.

The truth is, I have my regrets.

We all have our duties to carry out in this life.

But even parents have no right to force their own duties upon their children.

If she were to find herself at the crossroads of life, I would like to be someone she can confide in, and someone who can give her the push she needs.

I want to become a grandmother who has faith in her grandchild, and someone who respects her wishes. After all, she is the child that my daughter wanted.

This is my duty as her mother.

I may not have much time left, but I’m not quite ready to go over there yet.

So please wait just a bit longer.